Sunday, December 29, 2013
The Year of "Why Not"
I admit that I usually say " I don't do new years resolutions." When people ask me why I simply say. "Why lie to myself." Now with a little more age and maturity I can truly say that that statement is load of crap. I am tired of talking about all the things I want to do in life and that is all I do is talk. A lot of us do that. I am tired all the lip service. It is time to change and although the new year is my inspiration. Change begins now. I began my blog in 2009 and just sat there with one lonely post until now. Going into the year 2014 I feel like the time is now why not do all the things I have only talked about. Why not become now the person that I have seen myself becoming in the future. The future is always a distance away something to feel removed from. I have dubbed this the year of "Why Not". Because why wait to do the things that I have talking about for years. I'd like to take you on this journey with me. Do something you have always wanted to. Something that propels you forward in your journey into becoming who you want to be. Why not..
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Journey to being truly in love.. with yourself
If you read this I ask that you read with non-judgment. I share myself only to be a blessing to you. This is my life not a competition so if you feel that you can't read with non-judgment and love in your heart then move on this not is not for you. That being said let's continue our journey.
You may think you have gone through too much pain, too much hurt in your life to forget it all. To just let it all go, but you have to. These things turn into cancers and eat away at your soul, body, and mind. If you think that no one knows what you have been through, that you are alone, that you are separate because you have been through real pain and misery believe me when I say someone out there has been through the same if not worse than you. I have been through molestation, rape, homelessness, betrayal by family and friends, abandonment, I have been the cheater and the cheated on. I have even tried to take my own life on a few occasions in the past. Through all of that darkness, through all of that pain my light survived. Just as it survives in you now. It made me stronger and wiser. In all honesty playing the role of the victim had become comforting to me after all those years. I would curl up at night with my sorrow and be comforted until one night I couldn't sleep. I just kept thinking about all the people who did me wrong and then the funniest little thought flutter by in my head. I thought that these people I was obsessing over were probably sleeping peacefully in their beds. I was livid. How dare they sleep peacefully when I couldn't sleep. I just kept hearing this quiet voice push through my anger begging me to free myself. I knew no one else could do it for me. I had to stop with the blame game. I had to stand in front of that mirror and forgive myself and begin healing. The first time I told myself that I love myself I love you in the mirror I laughed because I felt ridiculous. I knew something else was at work when I couldn't look myself in the eye and say it. Did I really hate myself that much? When you are facing yourself in the mirror you can't run and you can't lie. So I took my time finding things I did like about my face and saying I love you and moving on to other individual parts until I found my eyes. Looking into my eyes I could feel something open inside me. In that moment I knew what love was. I knew the role of being half of a whole until I was married was a falsehood. I was a whole person on my own. I learned to be as gentle with me as I was with others. I found the peace within myself that I had searched outwardly for. I had to become mother, father, sibling, teacher and, lover on my own. To do that I had to love myself unconditionally
You may think you have gone through too much pain, too much hurt in your life to forget it all. To just let it all go, but you have to. These things turn into cancers and eat away at your soul, body, and mind. If you think that no one knows what you have been through, that you are alone, that you are separate because you have been through real pain and misery believe me when I say someone out there has been through the same if not worse than you. I have been through molestation, rape, homelessness, betrayal by family and friends, abandonment, I have been the cheater and the cheated on. I have even tried to take my own life on a few occasions in the past. Through all of that darkness, through all of that pain my light survived. Just as it survives in you now. It made me stronger and wiser. In all honesty playing the role of the victim had become comforting to me after all those years. I would curl up at night with my sorrow and be comforted until one night I couldn't sleep. I just kept thinking about all the people who did me wrong and then the funniest little thought flutter by in my head. I thought that these people I was obsessing over were probably sleeping peacefully in their beds. I was livid. How dare they sleep peacefully when I couldn't sleep. I just kept hearing this quiet voice push through my anger begging me to free myself. I knew no one else could do it for me. I had to stop with the blame game. I had to stand in front of that mirror and forgive myself and begin healing. The first time I told myself that I love myself I love you in the mirror I laughed because I felt ridiculous. I knew something else was at work when I couldn't look myself in the eye and say it. Did I really hate myself that much? When you are facing yourself in the mirror you can't run and you can't lie. So I took my time finding things I did like about my face and saying I love you and moving on to other individual parts until I found my eyes. Looking into my eyes I could feel something open inside me. In that moment I knew what love was. I knew the role of being half of a whole until I was married was a falsehood. I was a whole person on my own. I learned to be as gentle with me as I was with others. I found the peace within myself that I had searched outwardly for. I had to become mother, father, sibling, teacher and, lover on my own. To do that I had to love myself unconditionally
Journey to being truly in love...with yourself
Have you ever loved someone so much that you felt as though you were losing yourself in them? Now you have to learn to undo a whole lifetimes worth of behaviors. You have to learn how to lose yourself in yourself. Really get to know yourself. How many times has someone asked you what you wanted to eat or where you wanted to go for a night out. How many times have you replied “ Oh I don’t know you choose.” or “I don’t care.” Then when your eating Chinese take out for the third night in a row. You think your partner isn’t romantic or this really isn’t what you wanted. We as women give away so much of our power on little things just to seem agreeable. That we are no longer true to ourselves. Now I’m not saying that everything has to be your way all the time. No, we have to learn to compromise without compromising ourselves and what we truly want. My dear sisters anything I say to you in this note is real, but it is truth, what I have found to be truth. I hope you know that you are not alone because I am taking this journey with you. When I started the mirror exercise all sorts of emotions started to spring up. I spent a week being moody and I didn’t know why until I sat and thought about it. I was angry at myself because I realized that I had created the things in my life that had made me unhappy. When I turned the focus from outward to inward I saw the choices I had made that had gotten me to this place. I was tired all the time. My body felt like it was falling apart. I was overweight.(by my own standards, for my own comfort) I was emotionally a wreck and my mind raced constantly. I couldn’t sleep half the time. So I said to myself “ENOUGH!” My mind body and spirit were so out of balance I was barely functioning. As much as I didn’t want to admit it. I was solely responsible for the state of my life. So, what do you do when this realization occurs after the anger and the tears? You forgive yourself for everything. Every little choice, every heartbreak, every sorrow, all the guilt forget it and forgive yourself. As much as you’d like to use yourself as a punching bag don’t. Love yourself gently as you would a child, because essentially you are being reborn. When all of the junk is gone you’ll feel like your missing something. You’ll be tempted to go to the trash where you put all the stuff you just let go of and take out a little guilt. Maybe two or three pieces of sorrow. You don’t want that because after a while all the garbage you took out will be back in your house stinking the place up. No, you don’t want that. You must fill that space with you. Fill that space with love.
Journey to truly in love... with yourself
Before we take this journey together. I want you to know some things about me.
I just recently turned 35. (Yikes!) Okay, so it’s not that bad trust me ladies. It does make you think about your life and what you really want to be. In your twenties everything seems to be carefree and you have your whole life ahead of you, then here comes thirty all big and bad and watch out now you begin to feel like you should probably get a move on. If your like me with no husband, no kids, no career you got all your married friends and family asking you when are you going to settle down, like it’s your fault you haven’t done all those things already. You begin to feel like a slacker. It wasn’t as if I didn’t want all those things. It just never happened for me. I was starting to throw myself pity parties on a regular basis, but I never once thought of enjoying the time I wasted throwing myself these pity parties. I spent a good deal of my twenties wanting what I didn’t have. I watched friends and loved ones get married, have kids and I mourned what I never had. After a while that just gets old and tired. I started to look closer at the source of the problem and found the source. The root of it all was me. How was I the cause of not getting the very things I wanted in my life. Simply because somewhere deep inside I didn’t think I deserved them. I didn’t think I deserved them because I didn’t love myself. Have you ever been in love? Do you know that feeling of everything being right with the world because that person is in it and they love you? You know how their little imperfections are just adorable and you can’t get enough. But we are not so forgiving of ourselves are we? We are not so loving of our imperfections. We hide from the world under make-up, clothes, fat, and our attitudes. We hide our so called imperfections from the world but who are we inside? Are we blotchy skin, size 10 feet in size 8 Jimmy Choos, back fat or ever our stank attitudes we use to protect the soft parts of us that absorb negativity like a sponge? NO! We are not. Our essence is pure light and love. We are a spark of the divine. How can you love God and not love his best creation, you! You are God’s most precious child so act like it. Love yourself. Stop hiding that light under a bushel. Shine as you were meant to do. God did not give you a light to hide it. I want you to do something for me. Let’s call it our first assignment. I want you to go to the nearest mirror and I want you to tell the person staring at you that you love them. Do this without judgment. Say it like you are speaking to your dearest loved one. Sometimes this can be a very emotional thing so if anything comes up let it come don’t judge it. This first time I want you to tell yourself that you love you three times that’s it. We spend so much time making sure that our kids and significant others know that they are loved that we forget about ourselves. We must never forget that in order to take care of others we must take care of ourselves. It may feel like a silly thing to do, but trust me, you will begin to understand the reason for it in time.
I just recently turned 35. (Yikes!) Okay, so it’s not that bad trust me ladies. It does make you think about your life and what you really want to be. In your twenties everything seems to be carefree and you have your whole life ahead of you, then here comes thirty all big and bad and watch out now you begin to feel like you should probably get a move on. If your like me with no husband, no kids, no career you got all your married friends and family asking you when are you going to settle down, like it’s your fault you haven’t done all those things already. You begin to feel like a slacker. It wasn’t as if I didn’t want all those things. It just never happened for me. I was starting to throw myself pity parties on a regular basis, but I never once thought of enjoying the time I wasted throwing myself these pity parties. I spent a good deal of my twenties wanting what I didn’t have. I watched friends and loved ones get married, have kids and I mourned what I never had. After a while that just gets old and tired. I started to look closer at the source of the problem and found the source. The root of it all was me. How was I the cause of not getting the very things I wanted in my life. Simply because somewhere deep inside I didn’t think I deserved them. I didn’t think I deserved them because I didn’t love myself. Have you ever been in love? Do you know that feeling of everything being right with the world because that person is in it and they love you? You know how their little imperfections are just adorable and you can’t get enough. But we are not so forgiving of ourselves are we? We are not so loving of our imperfections. We hide from the world under make-up, clothes, fat, and our attitudes. We hide our so called imperfections from the world but who are we inside? Are we blotchy skin, size 10 feet in size 8 Jimmy Choos, back fat or ever our stank attitudes we use to protect the soft parts of us that absorb negativity like a sponge? NO! We are not. Our essence is pure light and love. We are a spark of the divine. How can you love God and not love his best creation, you! You are God’s most precious child so act like it. Love yourself. Stop hiding that light under a bushel. Shine as you were meant to do. God did not give you a light to hide it. I want you to do something for me. Let’s call it our first assignment. I want you to go to the nearest mirror and I want you to tell the person staring at you that you love them. Do this without judgment. Say it like you are speaking to your dearest loved one. Sometimes this can be a very emotional thing so if anything comes up let it come don’t judge it. This first time I want you to tell yourself that you love you three times that’s it. We spend so much time making sure that our kids and significant others know that they are loved that we forget about ourselves. We must never forget that in order to take care of others we must take care of ourselves. It may feel like a silly thing to do, but trust me, you will begin to understand the reason for it in time.
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